This blog will contain sensitive subjects what's going on in my life and what my current situation is. If you are sensitive to sensitive subjects then I RECOMMEND not to read this blog.
Welcome to another blog post of myself. This blog post is not about my transition but my real personal life matters what does interfere with my transition... This post will contain highly sensitive subjects, something what you don't want to imagine it happens to someone.
I will first start with the past telling you what happened back then, not everyone knows it but I see this as a good way to tell about it. I know people are going abuse this kind of information but they will do it even when it's not posted in a blog post. So let’s begin.. :/
In the past
I'm not sure how I best can format this so I'm sorry about that part.
So let we begin with my father, he died on 3 August of 2004. I was at that moment at home with my mom and brother including my dad... I know still some things about that day what I won't forget even if I try my hardest, my age back then was just few months and days 6 years old. 6 or 9 weeks later my grandmother died (she was sick). 6 or 9 weeks later that my grandmother died my house burned down.. Never ever buy an used dryer.
So that was my 2004... Now we will going to 2006
What I'm now going to say is not something what you can joke about it, with everyone who is been there.
In 2006 my brother sexual abused me. He didn't do that one time just multiple times over multiple weeks/months. I was just only 7 to 8/9 years old since it kind of stopped in 2007 when my mother decided to put him out of the house. Like "hey you can't live anymore at home". I'm not sure if he did some jail time, he was between 14/15 years old. He is dead to me and I want never see him again.
Now that was my 2006 to 2007... Now we will going to 2007 to 2013 (I think) :/
Later on in 2007 I got again sexual abused by someone else but quickly turned over the years in raping. So yeah I got raped from age 9 to age 15. In the past there was no way for me to say no. This person knew me from my birth until back then, he still know me I think? I had back then a weakness that people could easily manipulate me.. My brother used this to me very often. So this person used it too..
Thanks to this person I'm very traumatized. It even interferes with my transition because for the sex change operation I need to get laser treatments for their down below. But Thanks to that traumatic experiences I don't allow people around that area.
So let we say thank you, the son of my mother’s best friend.
My mother don't know this yet. Never had the chance to tell her (3 dec 2020)
Now that was my childhood... Is it over yet? No... In 2013 my grandfather died of cancer. In 2014 or 2015 died my uncle, I'm not sure how but somehow I was feeling always safe by him.
End of 2012 I did my first coming out as transgender by a friend. (I liked that friend).. As of course stated on my about page that she didn't really accepted me as transgender. So after telling it and getting the answer I stayed at home from school since I was really sad. My mom asked me why I was at home or why I wasn't going to school so I stated that I had a heartbreak. I didn't had the balls at that time to tell her what’s real happened. So after few weeks she told her best friend about it.. How to fucking loose my trust in you...
Since then I had trust issues with my mom. Since then I couldn't talk easily about my feelings.
After 2012 I had a lot of suicide thoughts and attempts. The days that I had the thoughts I didn't go to school since I needed to travel with trams and metro's so I was avoiding that. One wrong move and it was DONE.
My depression ended in 2015 with enough suicide attempts on my name. In 2015 and in 2016 I got some therapy for my traumatic experiences since I had my whole life sleeping problems. They give me EMDR but they didn't explain me good enough what's going happen at the treatments and I wasn't ready for it. So Before treatment I DIDN'T HAD ANY NIGHTMARES. After treatment I had pretty much every week to every month NIGHTMARES.
My current situation sucks really bad, I lost a year ago (Nov 1 2019) my job because I avoided my job place. Some old motherfucker dude tried to kill me while I first on my bike traveling to my work. It happened literally next to the building where I worked. Sadly there was no cam footage about the accident so I never could send a report to the police. I saw him driving slow (really slow) at wide street since that street ended up dead but he was driving to the begin of the street from the end. So I thought he is going to park at the spot where he was driving slow, so I was already biking on the left side with my left hand out with meaning hey I'm going to the left (where you can drive up on the terrain of the school campus). But he decided to give a lot of gas and traveled at pretty high speed to me when there was ENOUGH room to just go around me. I was biking almost on the walking area where you walk as person. So you can't say hey you are wrong you using all the room.. So since i couldn't go to left since the side walk barrier was too high for my wheels so I turned right and my wheel hit his wheel. So after that he was mad at me and I can blame him since he SAW me biking at that spot. He threated me with the dead if he saw me the next time biking in the same street.
Since then I avoiding my work. In February 2020 I got asked to give back the key of my workplace and with another meaning they fired me. So it's done I lost my dream job.
Meanwhile I had my tested for some things what was recommend to me since I thought it was something from my autism (But it wasn't). So I worked for a long time on the wrong thing to get me fixed.. I made some friends in that period (August - December 2019), who have PTSD. I didn't really know what it was until it was February 2020 when I was reading a hospital report from the day that I got my hormones. It was stated in that report that I had PTSD. This was for me a little confirmation after I searched up the symptoms and all that sort shit.
In the same month my coach was leaving the company too so I had pretty much no one to discuss with it (professional persons), except my therapist from the mental health care where I was going to sometimes. But I was really mad on them because THEY never said it to me with hey you have PTSD, They somehow forget to mention that. They knew what happened to me all this years, they knew what symptoms I had but still not thinking, oh wait she has PTSD..
So In April 2020 my dossier closed at the mental health care company, multiple reasons where one is that I'm too old for them. And the another reason is just I don't want treatments from them.
From February 2020 and now I have daily nightmares from the past, including every fucking memory that I have it repeats in my sleep. Keep in mind these kind of nightmares are not nightmares where you wake up from. There is not really a easy way to wake from them up. If I force myself to wake up and I fell in sleep again then that dream will continue. (It happened to me and I had one of the days like 4 times the same dream...)
In March of 2020 I got my new coach who helps me through the days and in August of 2020 I told to my temporary coach (my current one was on vacation that week) that I had / have suicide thoughts since begin of 2020, I have them still and they are pretty intense sometimes.
In July 2020 I registered myself to a new mental health care company and it normally should took a long time before I could get an intake from them. But because every fucking month is going downhill with my mental health I got some help from my therapist at the VUMC to get in progress faster. (I think)
In November 2020 it took my intake place at the company, I told them my story (everything above), I told them that I have suicide thoughts and I didn't told them how I'm planning them because there is more than 99 ways to kill yourself, and for a fact I want help and not to die because that won't solve my problems. I can't sleep normally why would I think that the dead will solve it? That is basically a forever sleep...
At the intake I said to them that I have friends who cares about me there are people around me who supports me no matter what, I didn't tell them that I'm in love of one of the persons who really care about me.
They denied my pretty much straight on without any questions or thinking that I need help. They didn't even try to get me some help even not how to fucking deal with my PTSD... There main reason was that I don't have any daily structure to do, no work, no any other job, no "friends" but I do have them only they living a bit far away from me.. It’s not like I can go to them for 1 hour for some coffee.. + most of the times I don't even have that energy for to travel. Before the covid-19 shit I did had some weekly things to do and monthly social networking / making new social contacts, at this nice place named Autiroze Rotterdam. But since our first lockdown that's basically closed because the building is too small to follow the 1.5Meters rule. It's sad but it's out of my power to do solve that problem. The weekly thing was that I did to go to some sporting shit, just to work on my condition and my health things so my body is not getting lazy.. This was always in a group with other people. I can't translate / tell what for kind people they are but I can say it's fun when I'm going, I can't say if it's fun when I'm not going. Currently in the covid period I'm not going because it's for me 45 minute traveling with public transport and with my current situation I'm not feeling comfortable to travel.
I got recent some information that the mental health company is going try to help or send me to another team to help me with my PTSD problems, maybe not the treatment but just how to deal with the PTSD so I can find a way to live with it. Currently I'm heavy limited with what I can or if I'm comfortable enough to be around boys/men, yes there are some rare cases that I can be comfortable around men/boys but it's rare.
I want to thank all the people who really supports me through this time periods, without them I wasn't here at all. So I'm happy to have them and of course there is only like less than 10 people who are standing really close to me and I know I can contact them 24/7 no matter what it is I can talk to them. :)
And of course the person who I really like and love is standing on number one :).